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A tiny set back … – Chosing to become a Mum, alone

A tiny set back …

So it has been a couple of weeks since I posted as there have been a couple of obstacles that have taken up my time and the thought of spending more time at my screen was just too much! Anyway …

The clinic I went to see a couple of weeks was brand spanking new. Shiny, new and a wee bit premature. Unfortunately there was some documentation that the clinic didn’t have in place just yet, so they weren’t able to start my procedures until January. Also not a definite January, but a probably January. The whole reason I am doing this is because time isn’t on my side. Time is what I don’t have. So waiting another month is a month too long. It is not like in a month I will be pregnant (yes, I know I *could* be, but the chances are really very very slim) it means in a month I will finally just start the journey. Possibly. If they were ready by then, which was not a definite. I went in to a slight panic. It is funny because people were either trying to protect me in case I couldn’t find another clinic that I could start in December, or people genuinely do not get what this waiting feels like. It is like constantly telling a child who thinks a week feels like a year, that Christmas isn’t coming back for two years. It is agonising. Yet, literally, everyone I spoke to said it wasn’t a problem to wait a little longer. Not to worry. It will give me more time. More time for what? I have had 37 years! If someone had ordered a new car, a new kitchen, even a pair of shoes and they were told they had to wait an extra month, possibly two before they were even on production line … people would be shocked and full of empathy and aghast at the unjustness of it all. However tell them you might have to wait two months to start IUI which is the start of what could be a two year journey and that is totally fine. It was truly bizarre.

Anyway, as ever, I ignored everyone! I called the only other clinic that had caught my eye. I am not even sure why it had. Their website was informative and clear I guess, which is always a deal breaker with me (should have been my first clue that the first clinic wasn’t ready, as they didn’t even have one!) I gave them a call and explained the situation and gave them my dates. They checked with the nurses and unless there was anything that they found out in my initial consultation, there was no reason I couldn’t start in December. Thank god.

So this Thursday I went back up to London for my second first consultation! It felt very, very different this time. I don’t know if that was because I felt better (the 2 week cold of doom had gone) or if it was because there were more people there, so it just felt like there was more going on! All total perception, but that is how it felt. Also as ┬áhadn’t told many people my phone wasn’t going off every 3 seconds with messages of luck. I rocked up in a cab, and there were maybe 30 people standing outside staring at me (my worst nightmare!!) … because the fire alarm had gone off! There was a lovely couple of girls there who had just had their procedure as the alarm went off … they figured this was probably a sign! I really hope it was.

The inside was the opposite of the other clean, crisp modern clinic. It would have been cool in the mid 90’s but now it was pretty tired looking! I was an hour early (I HATE rushing) so was sat watching some auction programme with subtitles, winding myself up at the fact the clinic were going to say I couldn’t have the procedure, ever, let alone in a couple of weeks. Every time the auction people lost money, I took that as a bad sign. This is the sort of thing I do when I have too much time to think!

Finally my time came and a nurse came and took me into a consult room. She was adorable, I love her! All fresh faced and fake eyelashes. We went through all my paperwork (you have NO idea how much paperwork you have to go through, I think she said it was something like 56 pages!) She went through the procedures with me, told me the process, the caveats, the timings, the costs, that she was my dedicated nurse (unless she was on holiday! So funny that people have obviously begrudged her that before) and gave me numbers for the nursing team and the dedicated sperm question answerer. We were together about an hour and with each minute she made me feel more at ease. Then I met the doctor and had an internal exam. It was so, so odd. Obviously it was on one of the screens they use to scan babies and I cannot believe I am grown up enough to be near one, let alone have my insides show up on it! The little radio in the corner was play Spandau’s Gold and it was all just a bit nuts. Evidently all is well inside (I didn’t have the full tube test, as that is optional and vast cost, so may have that another time if the first few attempts don’t work,) there was nothing to cause concern. I wanted to cry. I had 10 follicles in my left ovary and 12 in my right and this appears to be a good number, no depletion. Yet. Then I had another 30 minutes with the nurse to make sure I was happy with everything. She explained that the timings were all good, although I had to have the sperm with them on day 1 of my cycle. I am sorry, what? The sample needs to be with us by ┬áday 1 of your cycle. Shit. That is in 5 days (give or take) and the chances are it is coming from somewhere in Europe. I had decisions to make and really, really quickly. She assured me I shouldn’t rush, if there wasn’t one I wanted then I should wait. However secretly I was pleased with the deadline. It meant I HAD to focus. Also, with all this information I didn’t have before, I felt confident to go ahead and make a decision. I had roughly 728347230 blood tests, pee’d in a jar and off I went back to Oxford. I was exhausted!

I was lucky enough to be able to take yesterday afternoon off work so I could call all the sperm banks I liked and ask them about shipping times etc and they all said it was next day delivery. So the Wednesday deadline is totally do-able. IF I chose by Monday. WE ARE ON! I have holed myself up this weekend (I am seconds away from lighting a fire,) bought Magnums (diets don’t count in times like this) and I am making my way through the list of 55 suitable donors, I have a pack of Sharpies and I am not afraid to use them! To my absolute delight I have 4 on the short list so far. Just about 20 more to go. I have a very favourite, but just in case there is a problem with that need one, I need back ups. The search continues …

 

Photo: The floor of the clinic, nothing I love more!

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