Pressing the go button …
I’m Liv. I’m 37. I’m alone.
So far, so normal. The next thing you need to know is that I am going to become a Mum. I’m not pregnant. Yet. This is is the start of documenting what is, no doubt, going to be a very long journey. A very long, very emotional, very hard journey.
Don’t get me wrong, just because this is the start of me writing about this, this is not something that I am embarking on, on a whim. This is culmination of years, literally years, of longing. Of hoping I would one day find The Man that would make all my dreams come true. So far, The Man, hasn’t made himself known. In all honesty, I am amazed how many people do manage to find each other. It is also becoming more and more clear to me that He isn’t the most important thing on the list of Things to Make My Life Complete. The number one spot goes to Being a Mum. Time is no longer on my side, so I am talking the plunge. Man or no man. Solo. Just me. Table for one. Alone.
I’m terrified and hopeful and excited all in one go. I have looked in to donor sperm insemination for years. However I have never looked into it fully as that would be like admitting defeat. Like looking directly at something that scares you, like looking at your dream house in a country you don’t have a visa for. I have worried about it being the right time, do I have a good enough job, can I afford it, am I healthy enough, am I brave enough? The answer to all of the above, I suspect, is absolutely not. But when is it going to be the right time? Even if I was in a relationship all those things would still be relevant. But on my own, they are relevant x 100.
The tipping point for me, when I knew I had to press the go button, was last week at a friends BBQ. It was a sunny day, I was surrounded by friends, I had been flying a kite with their children (whom I adore.) Then I took one of my godsons and sat in the middle of the garden with him. His Mum, one of my A Team, came over started talking to me and I wept. I didn’t need to say anything, she knew why I was crying. The ten minute cuddle with her darling 18 month old squishy son had tipped me, again. She knew I had been talking about selling my house to get the funds together to start the process and I was giving a list of 1001 reasons as to why it was not the the right time and where should I go and and and and and. She just looked at me and told me, with love, to get on with it. To stop putting barriers in the way. Just do it. To put me first. Start the process, press go. Then the logistics HAVE to fall in to place. She was right, of course.
So this week, I have pressed go… and this is my story.
Post first published in July 2016
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